Just As I Am
Jul. 26th, 2016 06:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
atwojayI grew up in the church, and I learned when I was very young that Jesus loves me. I asked Him to come into my heart when I was four years old and, while my life hasn’t been perfect since then, I have never regretted that decision. I know He is real and I know He loves me just the way I am. However, I cannot say that my fellow Christians have always loved me, especially not just the way I am. And, if they knew everything about me, a majority of my brothers and sisters in Christ would believe that I am an unrepentant sinner, and some of them might even hate me.
When I was growing up, I never questioned the heteronormativity around me, I never questioned the assumption that anything else was sinful. In fact, as a child, I never knew there was anything else. I can’t remember when I first learned that gay people existed, but it was sometime in the eighties, and the assumption was that it was abnormal and wrong—even by people outside of the church, if I recall correctly. I didn’t have any reason to question this. Murder is wrong; cheating on your spouse is wrong; lying is wrong; stealing is wrong—these assertions are easy to accept and, when those who preached such things also told me that men loving men or women loving women in a romantic and/or sexual way is wrong, why wouldn’t I believe them?
As a teenager and a young woman, I was attracted to men and never even considered any other possibility. I always had an aesthetic appreciation for the female form, but I never thought of it as anything more than simply an appreciation for beauty. I fell in love with a man and married him, and I have no regrets in that decision. He is my soulmate, my ‘other half,’ and I love him dearly.
Just recently, I have been researching LGBTQ+ issues because I made some friends in the community and I wanted to know the other side of the story and to educate myself. In the process of learning about others, I have reached a deeper understanding of myself. I have slowly come to the realization that I am capable of being attracted to women and I can imagine falling in love with a woman. This doesn’t change my relationship with my husband. I still love him just as much and I have no desire to leave him for anyone, man or woman. But now, I know myself in a way I never did before.
I am bisexual. It’s a scary thing to say. What if someone in my church were to read this? A week ago, the pastor stood in the pulpit at my church and said that “sexual preference” is wrong and sinful, and he received a round of applause. Sitting in the congregation, listening to that, I felt sick to my stomach. Fear rose to choke me. For the first time in my life, I felt like an outsider in my church, like I didn’t belong there. Church has always felt like home to me, other Christians like family. It was my safe space, where I could be myself. This is no longer the case.
I still consider myself a Christian. I still believe that Jesus loves me just as I am. He created me and He knows me better than I know myself. He knew I was bisexual before I knew it. If He wants me to change, He will tell me and He will help me to change. But I don’t believe He does, since He created me this way. Even if I was in a relationship with a woman, I still don’t believe that He would have a problem with that. God is love, and love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love, and love is patient and love is kind and love wins.
When I was growing up, I never questioned the heteronormativity around me, I never questioned the assumption that anything else was sinful. In fact, as a child, I never knew there was anything else. I can’t remember when I first learned that gay people existed, but it was sometime in the eighties, and the assumption was that it was abnormal and wrong—even by people outside of the church, if I recall correctly. I didn’t have any reason to question this. Murder is wrong; cheating on your spouse is wrong; lying is wrong; stealing is wrong—these assertions are easy to accept and, when those who preached such things also told me that men loving men or women loving women in a romantic and/or sexual way is wrong, why wouldn’t I believe them?
As a teenager and a young woman, I was attracted to men and never even considered any other possibility. I always had an aesthetic appreciation for the female form, but I never thought of it as anything more than simply an appreciation for beauty. I fell in love with a man and married him, and I have no regrets in that decision. He is my soulmate, my ‘other half,’ and I love him dearly.
Just recently, I have been researching LGBTQ+ issues because I made some friends in the community and I wanted to know the other side of the story and to educate myself. In the process of learning about others, I have reached a deeper understanding of myself. I have slowly come to the realization that I am capable of being attracted to women and I can imagine falling in love with a woman. This doesn’t change my relationship with my husband. I still love him just as much and I have no desire to leave him for anyone, man or woman. But now, I know myself in a way I never did before.
I am bisexual. It’s a scary thing to say. What if someone in my church were to read this? A week ago, the pastor stood in the pulpit at my church and said that “sexual preference” is wrong and sinful, and he received a round of applause. Sitting in the congregation, listening to that, I felt sick to my stomach. Fear rose to choke me. For the first time in my life, I felt like an outsider in my church, like I didn’t belong there. Church has always felt like home to me, other Christians like family. It was my safe space, where I could be myself. This is no longer the case.
I still consider myself a Christian. I still believe that Jesus loves me just as I am. He created me and He knows me better than I know myself. He knew I was bisexual before I knew it. If He wants me to change, He will tell me and He will help me to change. But I don’t believe He does, since He created me this way. Even if I was in a relationship with a woman, I still don’t believe that He would have a problem with that. God is love, and love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love, and love is patient and love is kind and love wins.
